Who likes a juicy dark sexret? 😳😯My phone autocorrected that word to that… and well… its fitting.
I always need a secret. Through trauma work and healing, I have learned I hold secrets. I feel disoriented, left without purpose, if I dont have a secret. I hold many for my friends. I dont enjoy holding destructive secrets because it will eat at me and put me in a place of confused responsibility. I do enjoy being a place of safe confidence. To know I am flexible in my ability to be a large container for the souls I love. So they after long weeks in our lonely society, can sit with me, masks off. Knowing I will love the darkest ugliest parts of them and see their beauty. (I will never share theirs, nor feel it a burden to hold them.)
Lately for a year, I seem to have none. Its been like walking around naked for a year. An itch that you cannot itch away. A energetic ball of inner angst bubbling out into melancholy and lost purpose.
I dont want the burden of living a double life. I both crave and fear that world. Dressing provoctively around some and chaste around others. Seepish smile today and vixen grin tomorrow. Its fun, intoxicating, and destructive to my soul. Let alone others around me.
Yesterday I felt that craving satsified momentarily and felt a complete soul release. Tonight I prepped my sacred bath with a special blend of salts and herbs to nourish a depeleted soul. Lit the matching incense and grabbed my phone. Not for the usual social media binge but for my new secret. My nervous, decadent secret…. My new blog.
I couldnt wait to put my heart to e-paper. The anticipation to journal all my desires and intermost emotions onto a public internet database. Yet, No one knows …yet. How long will I hold onto this? Will I want to free it to those I know or only to strangers like I have with past indulgences? Will I be embarassed once I share it and feel the shame of a failure. Will I hold my head high and love the brave me within, who so couragelously risked it all … (really nothing but the fear of being rejected and failing) and will I commend her?
Yes. I. Will.
I celebrate thee. I celebrate this new secret and soon… all my secrets will be out and no longer contained and will no longer prison me with its invisble talons of misery.
Just one more secret…. shhhhh 😉